Let's not let them destabilize us

If destabilization is the point, how do we resist?

photo credit: Unsplash, Frame Harirak

Listen to me read the post:

“People divorced from community, occupation, and association are first and foremost among the supporters of extremism.” ― Robert D. Putnam, Bowling Alone

In his book, Bowling Alone, Robert Putnam wrote about the increasing isolation in American culture. While people once bowled in leagues, they now bowl largely alone, disconnected from family, friends, neighbours, and social structures. One of the great risks of a culture like this, he said, is that it’s easy for an extremist, authoritarian leader to take advantage of the isolation.

Steve Bannon discovered this book and used it to help get Trump elected into his first presidency. In what I can only imagine was a gut-wrenching twist for Putnam, the warning helped the very thing he’d warned about come to pass. (Putnam talked about it in this podcast.)

This morning, I got sucked into a round of doom-scrolling, reading all the bad news of exactly what Putnam warned about and how the ripple effects are spreading all over the world. I didn’t just read the news though – I let myself go down the rabbit hole of opinion pieces, convincing myself that I needed to stay informed in order to stay vigilant. After far more time staring at my phone than I care to admit, the calm that I’d woken with had disappeared and I was feeling angry, fearful, isolated, and destabilized.

“That’s exactly what they want!” the wiser voice in my head finally broke through the din. “They want you destabilized!”

I know this. My higher self is well aware of the destabilizing effect of doom-scrolling and the risks that come with being destabilized. And yet I get sucked back in again and again. Because there’s another part of me (which gets the upper hand too often) that is convinced I can only stay safe if I am aware of ALL the potential threats and spend my whole day obsessing about them.

More than anything, though, I don’t want to be destabilized. And I don’t want you to be either. Because destabilized people are easier to manipulate.

Destabilized people act from their activated nervous systems and can’t properly access their prefrontal cortexes (where wiser thinking happens). They make poorer choices and are more inclined to accept the leadership of an authoritarian leader who will promise to ward off the enemy. In their primal (though largely unconscious) quest for safety and belonging, they make unhealthy choices and are easily swayed by the loudest voice in the room. They get sucked into rabbit holes, many of which have been master-minded by those who know how to take advantage of their weaknesses. They link up with other isolated, destabilized people and they feed off each other’s indignation and fear.

Though I regret most of my doom-scrolling, I don’t regret reading this article because it crystallized a growing awareness I’ve had. Social media has contributed to this increased isolation and destabilization, and that might have always been the point.

Natalie Ponte, a former Meta employee, shared her original theory that “In Facebook’s quest to ‘make the world more open and connected,’ it succeeded in empowering individuals, but accidentally eroded the very notion of an authority – not just the notion of an objective truth, but the notion that any established institution could help us to understand truth... The effect is nearly always destabilizing. Warring factions tend to emerge. Dictators materialize... Facebook toppled established systems of authority without creating any viable alternative to them, and in the absence of authority people began attacking and policing one another. It’s no surprise half the country craved an authoritarian leader, a tough daddy to tell us all what to do.”

Further into the article, though, Ponte shares her realization that the theory needed a significant edit. “The dismantling of authority wasn’t an accident; it was the intention all along. The bad actor was always Mark Zuckerberg, hell-bent on amassing power.”

After reading that article, what I wrote in my post “Why I’m Breaking Up with Social Media” made even more sense. My increasing feelings of uneasiness on Meta platforms weren’t just because I was over-reacting or because I hadn’t figured out how to make peace with the algorithms. The red flags I sometimes gaslit myself out of paying attention to were actually there - I was indeed in an abusive relationship meant to manipulate and take advantage of me.

While we were all busy sharing our recipes and vacation photos, we were being manipulated, gaslit, isolated, and destabilized. Now here we are, and the bullies have done what they always intended – they’ve commandeered the playground.

What do we do about it? Well, we can start by clearly stating “The emperor has no clothes,” and then we can choose not to succumb to their ongoing efforts to destabilize and isolate us.

It’s simple... but also not very simple – we have to be as grounded and connected as we possibly can. In order to withstand whatever’s coming, in order to stand up for those being harmed, and in order to bring about meaningful change, we have to be firmly grounded in what stabilizes us, nourishes us, connects us, and inspires us.

Trees in the forest know that to withstand the elements, they have to be firmly rooted. Depending on the source of their threat, some develop a deep and sturdy root system that goes far underground, some spread their roots wide, some shift most of their weight to the base of the trunk, some grow close enough to other trees that they dissipate the wind, and all are connected to each other through the mycelium under the soil.

That’s what we need to do right now – root ourselves like trees. The storm has come and we’re going to need the collective stability.

Here are some tips for resisting the destabilization:

1. Find ways to make meaningful connections away from social media. Join a bowling league or a book club.

2. Learn more about your own nervous system so that you can recognize when it’s being activated and learn how to regulate it before making important choices.

3. Be discerning about what information you trust, choosing sources that have accountability and fact-checking systems built into them and aren’t owned by people who have reason to manipulate you.

4. Understand your core needs (safety, belonging, and identity) so that you’re more aware of when those needs are being manipulated.

5. Spend as much time as you can doing those things that have the most stabilizing effect on you – music, dance, walking, cycling, art-making, laughing, knitting, reading – whatever. Do it with friends whenever you can.

6. Get plenty of rest.

7. Watch the conversation Krista and I had on this topic for more ideas.

These are exactly the kinds of things we’re talking about in Leadership for Liminal Spaces. We want to help as many people as we can get grounded so that we are a strong forest withstanding the storm. In the next webinar (on Feb. 27), we’ll be talking about the Core Competencies of a Grounded Guide. We hope you’ll join us.